26. The Final Chapter To My God Damn Story!

That is all im going to tell you about. I could go into how I went home and how I got ill and all, but I don’t feel like it right now, I really don't. People keep asking me if im going to apply myself when I go back to school, especially this one psychoanalyst guy. But how do I know what I going to do until I actually do it, I just don't know.

D.B. isn’t as bad as the rest though. He asked me what I think about it all, about what I just told you. And the truth is, I don’t know what I think about it. I really don't. Im sorry that I told so many people about it, all I know is I sort of miss the people I told about it. Even old Stradlater and Ackley, I think I even miss that goddam Maurice.

Its funny. Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody!

25. "The Carousel" Boy Was I Happy, The Way Old Phoebe Kept Going Round And Round!

I didn’t no where to go when I left. I went down to Grand Central Station and spent the night on a bench. I didn’t sleep too hot because a million people kept coming in and out of the waiting room. I had a headache. I was really depressed and I think I was more depressed than I ever was in my whole life.

I thought I would take a walk down Fifth Avenue. All the stores were open so it wouldn’t be too bad. It looked all Christmassy. I wished old Phoebe was there, she really enjoys it. The Christmas before last I took her down to Bloomingdales with me. It was great, we had a helluva time.

I carried on walking all the way down and all of a sudden something spooky happened to me. Every time I came to the end of a block and stepped of the goddam curb, I had this feeling that I’d never get to the other side of the street. I thought I’d just go down, down, down, and nobody’d ever seen me again. I started begging Allie to help me to the other side of the street, I was shouting “Please Allie please! Don’t let me disappear.”

I decided I would leave New York forever. Start hitchhiking out West where it was very pretty and nobody would no me. I figured I could get a job at a filling station. I could pretend to be one of those deaf mutes. And if people wanted to speak to me, they would have to write it down on a piece of paper for me to read. I would marry another mute.

I got excited as hell about it all, but I would have to tell Phoebe. So I went to her school and wrote her a note for the teacher to give her, telling her to meet me at the Museum of Art so I could give her the money back that she lent me. I knew where her school was because I went there myself when I was young. I looked round I saw that some cold hearted bastard has wrote “Fuck you” on the walls in the school. It drove me crazy how Phoebe and all the other children would have to see that and wonder what the hell it meant.

I walked over to the Museum. I thought I might stop and give Jane a buzz before I started bumming my way west, but I wasn’t in the mood. I showed these two little kids around the mummies exhibition while I was waiting. When came out I had to go to the bathroom because I had diarrhoea. On the way out I sort of passed out, I was lucky really because I could have killed myself when I hit the floor.

Finally Phoebe arrived, I knew it was her because she had my hunting hat on. She had my old suitcase with her, I told her I wasn’t taking anything with me, but she told me it was for her. She begged me and begged me to let her come with me. I told her there was no way. She started getting really annoyed with me.

I told her I changed my mind about going and that I would stick around, I said I’d take her back to school but she wouldn’t go. She said she would go back to school the next day if I let her stay with me the rest of the afternoon so we went to the zoo.

We walked down to the zoo on opposite sides of the road because phoebe was still sulking. When we got to the zoo I shouted to her that I was going in. I started walking down the steps and I looked back and she was following me. She wasn’t talking to me, but was stood with me. We looked at a few animals then we came to the carousel. Old Phoebe loved them. It was playing “Oh, Marie.” I gave her some money to go on. She wanted me to go with her but I didn’t.I sat down a bench and watched her go round and round. When she got off she came over to me and asked me to go on. She said she wasn’t mad at me anymore. I still didn’t ride it, but I gave her some more money so she could go again.

It started to rain like a bastard. Everybody rushed under the roof of the carousel, but not me. I stuck around on the bench for a while. I got soaking wet. I had my hunting hat on, but I got soaked anyway. All of a sudden I started to feel really happy, the way old Phoebe kept going round and round. I was nearly bawling I was so goddam happy. God, I wish you could’ve been there.

24. Mr And Mrs Antolini!

When I got to Mr Antolinis he was surprised that it was just me at the door, he said "I thought I was going to have a day old infant in my arms". He’s a madman. I think they must of had a dinner party that night or something because there were highballs everywhere. They were always doing things like that the Antolinis, they’re real big entertainers. I could tell he was drunk, he’s quite a heavy drinker these days, and he’ll end up an alcoholic if he doesn’t watch his step.

Mr Antolini asked about Pencey and why I was kicked out and all. He was most interested in my English thought, understandably. I told him I passed, but that I failed in Oral Expression, that stuff drove me crazy.

Mrs Antolini came in with coffee for me; she brought everything, biscuits and all. Then Mr Antolini started to get all serious. He said he was really worried about me. He said “This fall I think you’re riding for – it’s a special kind of fall, a horrible kind.” I had no idea what he was going on about at first, I thought he had got me all wrong, but then I realised what he meant. I think what he was trying to get across was I shouldn’t give everything up before my life even starts, I mean after all im only 16, but its hard.

I like the way Mr Antolini understands me like nobody does, he tells me what to do, without actually telling me what to do. Not like my father, or old Phoebe, or D.B infact. He really has a thing for helping me.


He went over to his desk on the other side of the room. He said he didn’t want to scare me or anything, and he wrote me something on a piece of paper. It said “The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one”. I thanked him and all and put it in my pocket.

I was getting really tired but Mr Antolini wasn’t, probably because he was so oiled up. I could hardly even concentrate anymore and I had to yawn, I know is rude and all but I couldn’t help it. He carried on talking on and on about how I should apply myself at the next school I go to, I really didn’t want to listen so I sort of tuned out. After a while of me not saying anything Mr Antolini realised that I want to interest so he went and got some sheets and blankets and stuff to make a bed for me. We both made the bed together, it wasn’t great but it was ok just for the night. He asked about Sally Hayes. We didn’t talk for long I was too tired. So he left me to go to sleep.

Then all of a sudden I woke up and I could feel something on my head, a guy’s hand. It scared the hell outta me. Mr Antolini was sat on the floor right next to the couch, in the sake and all, and he was sort of petting me or patting me on the goddam head. I jumped about a thousand feet. I got so nervous and I had to get away from him, I mean what the hell was he doing. So what I did was, it told him I was going to get my bags from the station and that I would go right back, he said my bags would be fine and that I should stay. I didn’t though. I never waited so long for a goddam elevator in my life.

When something perverty like that happens, I start sweating like a bastard. That kind of stuff’s happened to me about twenty times since I was a kid. I can’t stand it.

23. "The Front Door!" That Was Close!

I had to be very quick on the phone because I didn’t want my parents to walk in on me. I don't like to think what my Dad would have said! Mr Antolini was very nice. He was about the best teacher I ever had.

When I got back to D.B’s room, Phoebe turned on the radio and we danced for a little while. We danced to about four tracks.

“The front door!” I quickly ran and turned off the desk light. Then I grabbed my shoes and hid in the closet.

My mum thought Phoebe had been smoking, mostly because I had been smoking in the house, which I should not have been. But she just said she lit one and put it out. Good old Phoebe. When my mum finally left, I said my goodbyes and started to cry when she borrowed me her Christmas money. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop. I really couldn't.


I walked all the way downstairs and nearly broke my goddam neck on garbage pails. I had to be quick, Mr Antolini was waiting for me, and I didn't want my Mum and Dad to catch me me. In a way, I wish they did catch me...

22. "If A Body Catch...", No, It's "Meet A Body", Not Catch!

When I got back Phoebe had took the pillow of the head alright but she still wouldn’t look at me. I started to explain why I had been kicked out again and why I was failing in all my subjects. She said it was because I hate everything. I told her I didn’t hate everything so she told me to name one thing that I do like. I couldn’t concentrate though, all kept thinking about was the nuns I had seen at breakfast, and a boy at Elkton Hills called James Castle. He jumped out of the window because bullies were forcing him to take back something he had said and he wouldn’t, so they did something terrible to him which forced him to plummet to his own death.

Anyway I told Phoebe that I liked Allie. She reminded me that he was dead thought, and she really started to get sore about it. Phoebe then started to talk about what I want to do with my life. I asked her if she knew the song ‘If a Body Catch a Body Comin’ Through the Rye’. She corrected me and told me that it was ‘If a Body Meet a Body’, a poem by Robert Burns.

I kept picturing little kids playing a game in a big field of rye. Thousands of kids, and nobody else around except me, and my job is to save them all from falling of the edge of the cliff. That’s all I’d do all day. I know its crazy, but it’s what I’d really like to be. Phoebe didn’t say anything for a while and then when she did it was “Daddy’s going to kill you”. I told her I didn’t give a damn. Then I got up to make a phone call to Mr Antolini, my English teacher at Elkton Hills. He lived in New York now because he took a new job at N.Y.U. As I left the room she shouted me back to tell me that she was having belching lessons from this girl at school.

21. "Phoebe Weatherfield Caulfield", Her Middle Name Is Josephine!

I got to the elevator, and their was a new operator who I didn’t know, so I convinced him I was visiting the Dicksteins who lived across the corridor to us. When I got to our place it was dark as hell, and I couldn’t turn any light on naturally. I had to be careful not to make a noise else I was busted. Phoebe wasn’t in her room. Then I remembered that she likes to stay in D.Bs room when he was away in Hollywood. She was fast asleep in his bed; kids always look nice when there sleeping, unlike adults. I read through some of her school books, they had “Phoebe Weatherfield Caulfield” written all over them, even though her middle name is Josephine.

Anyway, I woke her up and she was very pleased to see me. We started chewing the fat for a bit. I gave her the pieces of the record I bough for her. She kept them; she’s not ungrateful at all. She’s not a stupid kid old Phoeb and she knew I was home early. I told her they let us out early, but she wasn’t having any of it. She realized that I’d been kicked out again and kept saying dad was going to kill me. She wouldn’t listen when I was trying to tell her bout getting kicked out, and she put her head under a pillow and wouldn’t come out.

I got up and went out in the living room and got some cigarettes out of the box on the table and stuck some in my pocket. I was all out.

20. Time To Go Home!

I stayed in the bar and got drunk. I sat there till about one o’clock or so, getting drunk as a bastard. I started that stupid business with the bullet in my guts again. I left and stumbled over to a phone booth. I thought I would give Jane a buzz, but by the time I got there I didn’t feel like ringing Jane, I was to drunk I guess. So what I did was, I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz. We didn’t have much of a conversation, my fault; I was to drunk to even understand. After a bit we both hung up and I stayed in the booth for a while holding onto he phone so I wouldn’t pass out, I wasn’t feeling too good.

So, I thought I’d walk to the duck pond in Central Park to see if the ducks were still around. As I just got into the park I dropped Phoebes goddam record, it broke into about 50 pieces. I damn near cried, it made me feel so terrible. I didn’t jus leave the pieces though, I picked them all up and put them in my pocket. They wasn’t any good but I didn’t want to just leave them.

I must have been drunker than I thought because I couldn’t find the lagoon. When I finally found it, it was half frozen and half not and there were no ducks in sight. I was shivering like hell, I had little chunks of ice on the back of my head. I thought I might get pneumonia and die. I started to imagine the mob that would come to my funeral. It’d be just like Allies funeral with all the aunts and what not coming over. I wasn’t at Allies funeral though, just like he wont be at mine, because I was still at the hospital because of my hand.


Anyway, when the weathers nice my parents go and put a bunch of flowers on Allies grave. I used to go but I cut it out. It wasn’t too bad when the weather was nice but when it rained and everybody rushed to their cars to put the radio and heater on to got somewhere nice for dinner. Goddam crappy people.

I wanted to speak to Phoebe, so I decided to risk going home. My parents would be asleep so I could sneak in and out without them knowing. So I got the hell out of the park, and went home. I walked all the way. It wasn’t too far and I wasn’t tires or even drunk anymore. It was just very cold and nobody around anywhere.

19. Old Carl Luce! I Didn't Even Like Him That Much!

I used to go the Wicker Bar quite a lot, but I don’t anymore. I cut it out. Gradually. I got there pretty early so I just sat down at the bar. It was pretty crowded. It was mostly full with phoneys, so I just sat and watched them for a while. Boy were they phoneys!

Old Luce was supposed to be my student advisor at Whooton, but all he did was give these sex talks and all. I asked him these questions about this girl he said he was seeing, but he got really sore about it. The thing is, he used to make you describe really personal stuff, but if you ask him he gets really sore about it. Thats the problem with those guys, they get really sore about when you ask them personal questions!

18. I Went To See A Phony Film...Radio City!

I felt sort of hungry so I went and got a Swiss cheese and malted milk. I thought about giving Jane a buzz, so I did. But she didn’t answer. So I hung up. I gave old Carl Luce a buzz, he was 3 years older than me, I didn’t like him much, but I wanted to speak to somebody. We made plans to meet for a drink at around 10. I had a lot of time to kill so I went to see a movie at Radio City. It was probably the worst thing I could have done. The Rockettes’ Christmas stage show was on. It was so phoney.

Then the picture started. It was another phoney thing about love and all things like that. Boring as hell. I would tell you about it, but I might puke. The lady sat next to me cried al the way through the goddam lousy picture. The phonier it got…the more she cried. She had a little kid with her who was bored as hell and he wanted to go to the bathroom, but she just ignored him. It kills me when you see someone cry there eyes out over something as phoney as that and 9 times out of 10 their heartless bastards.

After it had finished I started to walk over to the Wicker Bar, where I was meeting Carl Luce. I started to think about the war. I couldn’t go to war, id rather be shot or sit on top of an atom bomb. Im sort of glad they’ve got the atomic bomb invented. If there’s ever another war, im going to sit right the hell on top of it. Ill volunteer for it, I swear I will.

17. Let's Run Away, To Vermont Or Whatever!

I went to meet Sally at the Biltmore Hotel. She looked really nice. She’s always goddam late though, but it‘s worth it when a girl looks so damn nice. We horsed around a little in the cab on the way down. I told her I loved her, obviously I didn’t mean it, but the funny thing was, I meant it when I said it.
We went in the theatre and sat down. After the first act we went out with all the other jerks for a cigarette. Sally saw this guy she thought she knew. He noticed her after a while and came over to say hello, he was from Andover. It really irritated me, they were flirting like mad. The goddam moron stayed with us the rest of the night.

Sally had an idea to go skating, but you could tell she was only it it to wear the little skating skirt. She kept walking in front so I could seen how good her butt looked in it, it did look damn good though, I have to admit. I started to rant about all the goddam phonies everywhere. Then all of a sudden I got this idea that me and Sally could run away together away from city and live in our own little hut in Vermont, and I could get a job when we ran out of money. I got really excited about it. But Sally didn’t like the idea, she said it wouldn’t work. I started to hate her. I didn’t mean to but I called her a "Royal pain in the arse", that really upset her and I apologised like a madman but she just wouldn’t listen. Boy did I regret saying that. Things were awkward so I give back my skates, put on my shoes and left.

16. I Like The Museum, Everything Stays The Same.

After breakfast, I went for a walk. I thought about how caring the nuns must be. I can’t imagine anyone I know being so generous and giving. I headed down Broadway to buy a record called “Little Shirley Beans” for Phoebe. I kinda like the record because, although it is for children, it is sung by a black girl who makes it sound proper and real, not cute. I thought about Phoebe, she is a wonderful girl, although she’s only ten, she always understands what I mean when I talk to her. You'd like her.

I saw an oblivious little boy walking in the street, singing, “If a body catch a body coming through the rye.” That really gave my a big bang. I was that happy that i decided to give Jane a buzz, but i put the phone down when her mother answered the phone. I bought some tickets to a show called 'I Know My Love', for mine and Sally's date. She'd just die when I told her it was The Lunts.

I wanted to see old Phoebe, so I went to look for her in the park because she often roller-skates there on Sundays. I met this little girl who knows Phoebe. At first, she told me that Phoebe was on a school trip to the Museum of Natural History, but then she remembered that the trip was on the Saturday. Even though Phoebe wouldn't be there I walked to the museum anyway. I remembered the class trips I used to go on there. The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. It just kinda freezes time, everytime you went in, all the exhibits would be the same, even the same birds would be hanging from the ceiling. The only thing that would have changed, is you. Not that you'd be so much older or anything. It wouldn't be that, exactly. You'd just be different, that's all. You'd have an overcoat on this time. Or the kid that was you partner in line last time had got scarlet fever and you'd have a new parter. Or you's have a substitute taking the class, instead of Miss Aigletinger. Or you'd heard you mother and father having a terrific fight in the bathroom. Or you'd just passed by one of those puddles in the street with gasoline rainbows in them. I mean you'd be different in some way - I can't explain what I mean. And even if I could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it.

When I got there though, I didn't feel much like going in, if Phoebe was there I probably would have, but she wasn't. So I just got a cab down to the Biltmore to meet Sally.

15. I Hate Cheap Suitcases!

The next day I called Old Sally Hayes and made a date for that afternoon at 2. I wasn’t all that crazy about her, she was sort of phoney. I signed out of that crappy hotel and put my bags in a locker at the station. I didn’t have that much money left. I’m a goddam spendthrift at heart. What I don’t spend, I lose. It drives my parents crazy. My dads a lawyer, so I can imagine he makes a lot. My mother hasn’t felt to well since Allie died, she gets very nervous. That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t want her to know I got the axe again.

Anyway, I went and had a big breakfast, which is unusual for me. Whilst I was eating, two nuns came in with suitcases, I guessed they were moving to a different convent or something. They had those very cheap looking suitcases, the ones that aren’t genuine leather. I hate it when somebody has cheap suitcases. One of them dropped a straw basket, you know them ones that they collect donation in at Christmas time. I picked it up for her. They were only having toast and coffee for their breakfast, it depressed the hell out of me, seen as I had a huge breakfast.

I gave them ten bucks as a contribution to their collection, even though they told me they weren’t collecting yet. I told them to save it until they were. We talked about Romeo and Juliet because one of the nuns taught English. After a while they said they best be going. I felt so awful because I accidentally blew smoke in their faces as we were saying bye. I apologised like a madman. They were very understanding though. When they left I started to feel like I should have given them more of a contribution. Goddam money, it always ends up making you feel blue as hell.

14. Why Did I Say He Couldn't Come?

After she left, I just smoked a couple of cigarettes. It was getting light outside. You can’t imagine how depressed I was feeling. Sometimes, when I get depressed I think about Allie. Years ago, I told him to get his bike and meet me infront of this guy Bobby Fallon’s house. Once he heard me and Bobby talking about going to shoot some BB guns and he wanted to come. It wasn’t like I didn’t use to take him anywhere because I did. But that one day, I didn’t. That’s what I think about when I’m depressed.

The next thing I know the elevator guy, Maurice, the elevator guy, and Sunny burst through the door. Asking me to cough up the money I owed to Sunny. But when I wouldn’t hand it over, he smacked me. Boy did it hurt!

13. Five For A Throw!

I walked all the way back to the hotel. Forty one gorgeous blocks. I put on my hunting hat, god I wish I had my gloves me, it was goddam cold as hell. Some sonuvabitch stole them at Pencey, people were always stealing your stuff. I probably wouldn’t have done anything though, if I knew who had them, I’m yellow like that.

Anyway, I got in the elevator to go back up to my room, I didn’t feel much like hanging around in that goddam lobby. I felt so damn depressed, I almost wished I was dead, I really did. The elevator guy asked me if I was innerested in a good time. I didn’t know what the hell he was on about at first, then I realised he meant having a girl over for sex. He said it would cost me 5 bucks a throw and 15 till noon. I said ok, I don’t know why, I was so goddam depressed I didn’t think.

When I got to my room I got changed my clothes and brushed my teeth, I know I didn’t have to get dolled up for a prostitute, but it gave me something to do. A girl arrived, her name was Sunny and she only looked around my age, too young if you ask me. She seemed really nervous and kept jiggling her foot up and down. It made me feel sad as hell, I felt more depressed than sexy.The truth is I didn’t feel much like sleeping with Sunny, so I made up some crumby excuse about having an operation on my ‘clavichord’. That killed me. I gave her the 5 bucks and asked her to leave, she said it was 10, but I told her that the elevator guy said 5 for a throw. After a while she finally left.

12. Horwitz, Boy Was He Touchy!

I always get the sicky kind of cabs if I go anywhere late at night. It was so quiet. New York is terrible when someone laughs on the street at night, you can hear it for miles. It makes you feel so lonesome and depressed. Me and the cab driver struck up a conversation. His name was Horwitz. I thought he might know about the ducks, so I asked him if he knew where they went in winter. He replied “How should I know a stupid thing like that?” He was sore about it or something. He was so damn touchy about it. He told me the fish stay right where they are in the lake, even when it’s frozen over, but I didn’t want to know about the fish. I thought about it, and said “They can’t just ignore the ice when it’s all frozen, they need food”. He said they take in nutrients through their bodies when they are frozen. He said it’s tougher for the fish in winter than the ducks. I let it drop, I was afraid he was going to crack the damn taxi up or something. Besides, he was such a touchy guy anyway.
I asked him if he wanted to come for a drink. He said he didn’t have any time. When I got out the cab he brought up the damn fish again. “If you were a fish Mother Nature wouldd take care of you, wouldn’t she? Right? The fish don’t just die when it gets to winter” He was so touchy that just about everything you said made him sore.

Ernie’s was really crowded; it was pretty quiet though because old Ernie was playing the piano. It was suppose to be something holy when Ernie played. Nobody’s that good. Whatever song he was playing he was really stinking it up. You should of heard the crowd though, when he finished. You would’ve puked. People always clap for the wrong things. It made me feel depressed and lousy again, I damn near got my coat and went back, but I didn’t much want to be alone. I ordered a scotch and soda. I started listening in on people conversations around me. There was a guy giving this girl a feel while telling her about someone who tried to commit suicide. That killed me.
This girl with very big knockers came up to me, “Holden Caulfield!” She had some Navy officer with her who looked like he had a poker up his ass. She asked me about D.B, my brother. She thought him being in Hollywood was a big deal. It drives me crazy though. I didn’t like her much, you had to feel sort of sorry for her. She went and me and the Navy guy told each other we were glad to have met. Which always kills me. I had no choice but to leave Ernie’s after I told her that I had to meet someone. It made me mad, though. People always ruin things for you.

11. Jane...Once Again!

On my way out of the lobby I got old Jane Gallagher on the brain again. I got her on, and I couldn't get her off. All I could think about was Stradlater sitting in that goddam Ed Banky's car, though I am pretty sure Stradlater hadn't given her the time. Every morning we used to play tennis and then golf nearly every afternoon. I got to know her quite intimately. Not physical or anything. You don't have to get physical to know a girl.
I met her all because of this Doberman Pinscher she used to have. Well every morning, it used to come over and relieve itself on our lawn. This really irritated my mother; she would make a big deal out of everything and called up Jane's mother to argue about it. Then what happened was I saw Jane laying on her stomach next to the swimming pool at the club so I said hello to her. She lived next door but we had never spoken until now. She gave me the big freeze that day, and it took me a helluva time trying to convince her that I didn't care where her goddam dog relieved himself. Anyway, after that Jane and I got to be friends and all. I played golf with her that same afternoon. I was a very good golfer.

She was a funny girl, old Jane. I wouldn't have described her as beautiful or anything, but she knocked me out. She was the only one outside my family that I had shown Allie's baseball mitt to, with all the poems written on it, she really liked to read poetry.My mother didn't like her too much. I mean my mother always thought Jane and her mother were sort of snubbing her or something when they didn't say hello. My mother didn't think Jane was pretty. I did, though. I just liked the way she looked, that's all.

I remember this one afternoon, I was over at her house playing checkers because it was raining outside and we were sat in her screened in porch. This was the only time me and Jane ever came close to necking. It was raining like hell outside, and all of a sudden this booze hound her mother was married too came out on the porch and asked Jane if there were any cigarettes in the house. I didn't know him too well, but he wasn't the sort of who would talk to you unless he wanted something off you. Jane ignored him so he burst back inside and Jane just sat there still, as if she was concentrating on the game, and all of a sudden, a tear plopped down onto the checkerboard. On one of the red squares, boy I can still see it, so what I did was I moved over to her side of the table and practically sat in her lap. That's when she really started to cry. And the next thing I knew, I was practically kissing her all over, everywhere, her eyes, her nose, her forehead, her eyebrows and all, her ears, her whole face except her mouth. She wouldn't let me get to her mouth. Anyway, it was the closest we ever got to necking. I asked her if the booze hound, Mr Cudahy, had ever tried to get wise with her but she said no, I still wouldn't have put it past that lousy bastard. I never did find out what was wrong. Some girls you never find out.
Then, I felt suddenly upset and returned to my room. I noticed that all of the pervert’s lights were off, but I was still awake. I decided to go and get a taxi and go to a different bar.

10. Phoebe, You Should Have Seen Her!

I got bored so i felt like giving Phoebe a buzz. But I couldn't because my folks would know it's me and that I was in New York, plus Phoebe would be in bed. You should've seen her. You never saw a kid prettier than her. Phoebe I mean. She’s so smart, she’s got sort of red hair and in the summer time she puts it behind her ears. I really wanted to shoot the bull with old Phoebe. The best bit is, if you tell her something she knows exactly what you mean. You can take her anywhere. She’s great. You’d like her if you met her.

I went in the Lavender room. It was pretty empty except from a few pimpy looking guys and some whorey looking blondes. I ordered a scotch and soda, but the waiter refused to serve me alcohol. So I just had a coke instead. I met these girls. There was three of them. I danced with all of them. Bernice. Boy, was she dopey, but she was a terrific dancer. I told her she oughta be a pro. But all through the dance she did'nt look at me. She was too busy wonderin when the next celebrity was going to fall through the door. The two ugly ones were called Marty and Laverne. Laverne wasn’t too bad, but let’s just say I would have rather died than have had to dance with Marty. She was terrible. Really terrible. I mean it.

9. I Was The Only Normal One In That Place!

As soon as I get off the train I went to a phone booth. I needed to speak to someone. There were a few people I planned on calling, I stood in that goddam phonebooth contemplating calling them, but I ended up not calling anyone. After coming out of the phonebooth, it took about 20 minutes untill I ended up walking over to get a cab. I can be so goddam absent minded sometimes, I gave the cab driver my usual address, you know out of habit and all. It took me a bit to realise and I finally asked him if he could turn round, he was a wise guy and told me how he couldn't turn round there. All of a sudden, something crossed my mind, so I asked the cab driver where the ducks go in the winter. He looked at me as though I was a madman and thought I was kidding him, the conversation was soon dropped. By the time we got to nineteenth where he could turn round I decided I didn't want to stay anywhere at the East Side incase I bumped into anyone I knew, so I went back downtown. I asked him to join me but he didn't, so with my red hunting hat on i got out of the cab. Of course I took it off before I checked in, I didn't want to look like a screwball or anything, which was ironic as the place was full of them!

I was given this really crumby room, it was very depressing, but the bellboy that showed me to it looked even more depressing! Oh god some of the views I saw through the windows. The hotel was full of perverts. For example there was this couple squirting water through each other out of their mouths. And this other guy got out loades of womans clothes, and put them on! I was propably the only normal bastard in the whole goddam place!
I was so bored that I decided to ring this prostitute. I got her number from some guy I hardly even knew! Anyway, I decided to ring her. I forgot what time it was. It was really late. She answered the phone and I could clearly tell I had woken her up. I gave her some crumby name and said I was a friend of that guy who give me the number. She said she was tired so she couldn't come tonight. She offered to go out for a drink the following night but I said I was leaving first thing. We said goodbye and I put the phone down.

I felt so lonely.

8. Rudolf Schmidt, That Killed Me!

It was too late to call up for a cab or anything, so I walked the whole way to the station. It wasn't that far, but it was cold as hell, and the snow made it hard for walking and my Gladstones kept banging the hell out of my legs. I enjoyed the fresh air though. It was very cold, especially on my lip where Stradlater smacked me, but my ears were nice and warm. The hat that I bought had earlaps on it. I didn't give a damn about how I looked because everyone was in bed anyway.

I usually enjoy riding on trains, especially at night time, when the lights are on, but the windows are black. And then you get those guys walking the train with trolleys with sandwiches and magazines on. I usually buy a ham sandwich and about four magazines. At night, on the train, I can usually read those dumb stories with people called David and Linda or Marcia, you know, those phoneys, and the women would always be lighting the goddam pipes for the Davids. I can usually read those ones at night on the train, but this time I couldnt, this time was different, I just didn't feel like it, all I did was take my hunting hat off and put it in my pocket.

All of a sudden, this lady got on at Trenton and sat down next to me, even though the entire car was empty because it was quite late, but instead of sitting in an empty seat, she sat next to me because she had this big bag with her and i was sitting in the front seat. She stuck that bag right out in the aisle where everybody that was going to walk could trip over it. She looked around forty, forty five, but damn did she look good. Women kill me, they really do.
All of a sudden we started talking about Pencey and I gave her a false name after she asked me about her son, Ernest Morrow, and so I shot the bull to her for a while, because im really good at lying to people I've never met before. I called myself Rudolf Schmidt. I was shooting the bull at her about how amazing and bright and popular Ernie was, but really, he was just an idiot, a bully. It killed me.

She got off at Newark. She wanted to see me again, me to visit Ernie, but I just told her I was having an operation on my brain, to remove a tumor, then I'd visit my grandmother in South America and stay with her for a while. That got her off by back.

7. Time To Go!

I went into Ackley’s room to see what he was up to and all. He wasn't awake, so I woke him up. It was dark so he sat up and switched the light on.

"What the hell happened to you?!"

"Nothing, I just got into a bit of a fight with Stradlater." He started to get excited then asking why and how. So, I started shooting the bull! I told him that it was because of himself and I was defending his goddamn honour and all. That really got him going. In end I asked if I could stay in his room while his roommate was away for the weekend. He said it wasn't up to him and that he couldn't just let anybody stay in his bed. So, I just made him feel guilty and all by saying how I stuck up for him. So, I got into bed and just as I was about to fall asleep he started snoring like hell. I decided to get up and started walking down the stairs. I was going to go pay Mal Brossard a visit but then I changed my mind. I knew exactly what I was going to do, I was going to get the hell out of here.

Leave Pencey a few days early. I was going to go for a short vacation in New York and get a room in a really inexpensive hotel. I went back to the room to pack a few things and all. Old Stradlater didn't even wake when I went back in. It made me kinda sad packing because I had to pack the ice skates my mother had given me. They were the wrong kind of skates I wanted anyway, but it made me sad anyway. It always does when someone gives me presents. Before I was ready to leave I counted my dough, I was pretty loaded because my grandmother had just sent me a load of wad. She's lost her marbles so she just sends me birthday money about four times a year.

I put on my red hunting hat and turned the peak to the back, just the way I liked it, then I shouted at the top of my goddamn voice “Sleep tight, you morons!” I bet I woke up every phoney on the floor!

6. Stradlater, You're A Dirty Sonnovabit*h Of A Moron !

I couldn't remember what I was doing when I heard Stradlater come through the door, I propably couldn't here him because I was so god damn worried!
If you knew Sradlater, you would’ve been very worried too. I’d double dated with him before and I know what I am talking about. He was unscrupulous, he really was.

After he chatted to me for a bit, he asked me if I had done his god damn composition. He read it whilst stroking his chest and belly. He was always stroking himself. He was mad about himself. He started moaning because I write it about a baseball mitt. He said “You don’t do one god damn thing the way you’re supposed to.” The sonnovabitch annoyed me so much that I ripped it up in his face. I lay down on my bed and smoked a cigarette, even though you’re not meant to smoke indoors.

I asked if he had a good night and all that bull. I asked if he gave her my regards. He said yes, but to hell he did. Phoney! All he did all night was sit in Ed Banky’s car. That’s it! Ed Banky is the basketball coach you see. He let all the athletic sonnovabitches use his car, even though they weren’t meant too.

Anyway, he told me I don’t do one thing the way I am supposed to because I didn't do his god damn composition how he wanted it. I lost it with him so I went over to him and ripped it all up. I went and sat back down on my bed and asked him about Jane. I asked him where did he go with her and he didn’t answer, instead he came over to me being all playful giving me these socks on my shoulder. He then said that all they did was sit in Ed Bankey’s car.
I got so nervous when he said that, I asked him if he gave her the time in Ed’s car. He told me it was a professional secret. I got up went over and socked him in the mouth. He threw me on the floor and put his knees on me. I kept calling him a moron and saying childish things. He let me up and I must of called him a moron too many because he gave me this almighty smack in the mouth. Good punch too, it really was.

I wasn’t knocked out but I just lay on the floor for a while. Stradlater left and I got up and went into Ackley’s room. I hardly ever went in to Ackley’s room it had this funny smell in it.

5. Allie's Baseball Mitt!

On Sunday, we always had steak for dinner. It was the weirdest steak you ever saw, it really was. We only had it because when our mothers came the day after, they usually ask, “What did you have last night for dinner?”God dam phoneys! It was always dried up so much you could barely cut it.

After dinner, me and some of the other lads went out and had a huge snowball fight in the carpark. (It was snowing you see). It really was fun. It really was. After that though, there was nothing to do, I mean everyone else had gone out somewhere or another. So me and another guy, Mal Brossard decided to go into town to see a movie. I hate movies, they are crumby. They really are. I asked if Ackley could come with us, I felt pretty mean on him being on his own all the time. Mal doesn’t see eye to eye with Ackley, but still he said O.K. to be nice and all.

When we got into town, Mal and Ackeley had already seen the god dam film. We decided to stay out for a while, grabbing a bit to eat and playing pinball.

It was good in town, but it started to get boring so we decided to go back to Pencey, but it was still early. Once we were back, Mal went off, leaving me with Ackley. The goddamn phoney sat on my bed squeezing his pimples and lying all over my god dam covers and pillows. He then began telling me about some girl he was supposed to have had sex with the previous summer. I mean he was shooting the bull and all. He had told me the same story about 20 billion times and all, and each time it was completely different! I hate liars, I really do!

Eventually, I got him to leave and started with Stradlater's composition he asked me to do whilst he went out, wearing my god dam jacket! He had told me to do something descriptive. Simple descriptions of a room or a house or something like that, but I couldn't think of anything to write about like that. I really couldn’t. I spotted my brothers (Allie) baseball mitt. I decided to write about it. There was loads to write about you see. You know, it wasn't an ordinary baseball mitt; Allie had written all over his mitt in green ink. He did it so he had something to read whilst nobody was batting!

Allie died 3 years ago of leukemia, he was 2 years younger than me but he was more intelligent than me. Boy he was clever! He was always so happy and had this amazing red hair that made him stick out like a sore thumb. He was such a nice kid. I remeber the night Allie died. I slept in the garage that night, just thinking about him. I broke all the windows with my bare hands. I really did. I just couldn’t live without him.
Anyway, once I finished Stradlater's composition, which only took about 30 minutes, I just stopped and looked out of my window, just staring,just silently staring, listening to Ackley snore his head off in his room.

4. JEAN? NO JANE GALLAGHER (Moron)

In walked Stradlater, the god damn sonnuvabitch had a date tonight, so he had to make himself look hot and all that crap. Stradlater's the kind of guy that you see in the school year book and think “who is he?” He spends all his time trying to make himself look gorgeous and all infront of the mirror. He always did that. Stand infront of the mirror that is. He is as bad as a girl. Makes me sick as hell. Crumby little sonnuvabitch.

But anyway, I had nothing else to do, so I went with Stradlater to the can while he had a shave. He had used the same shaver for about a billion years. He maybe good looking and all, but if you saw his shaver, boy you would have a shock! He told me about him going out with this chick. Then told me he had a goddam composition to write for tomorrow and he wouldn’t have time to do it, so he asked if I would do it. He told me to make it descriptive as hell, but not to descriptive though. He knew I was good at English. I said I might as well, if I had time that is. I began to get a bit bored though, so I decided I would start messing around and all, you know, a bit of dancing you would probably see at the opening night of Ziegfield Follies or some other crap. Stradlater was still pruning himself but he laughed and complimented me, only because he wanted me to write that god damn composition for him. God damn phoney! I asked who his date was for this evening but the crumby moron couldn't even remember her name. Whoever it was, he must not have liked her that much. Finally he remembered her name, Jean Gallagher.

I knew her, but the funny thing was that she was called JANE Gallagher! She used to live next door to me you see; she had this massive Doberman dog and all. Scary as hell. Damn I would have loved to catch up with her. We used to play checkers and all, she would never move her kings. She used to leave them all lined up across the back, all because she liked the way they looked. Daft I know. She used to dance as well, rain or shine she was out doing her dancing, although she was pretty worried that it would make her legs all thick and all. Stradlater didn't seem too interested though about Jane, he cared more about his god damn self. He started parting his hair and looking at himself even more. On his way out, he reminded me about his god damn composition and I told him to give Jane my regards, then he went. I knew he wouldn’t give Jane my compliments anyway, he didn’t care about that crap.

3. Ossenburger Memorial Wing

I'm the most terrific liar. It's awful. Where I lived at Pencey, I lived in the Ossenburger Memorial Wing of the new dorms. It was only for juniors and seniors. I was a junior you see. My roommate, Stradlater was a senior though. Anyway my dorm was named after some guy, Ossenburger. You should’ve seen him, old Ossenburger that is; he owns some undertaking business, weird I know, where you can get your family members buried for five crumby bucks. He made a load of dough. Anyway, we had some ceremony when he did this speech which lasted for about 5 goddamn billion hours, it really did, and then they named a dorm after him! He did nothing and had a dorm after him. He really did! He's one crumby little phoney. So anyway, that’s where I live.

When I got back I started reading my book 'Out of Africa' because the library gave me the goddamn wrong book. Daft I know. I thought it would stink but it turned out to be pretty good, it really did. But my favourite author is D.B., my brother. You know he lives in Hollywood now. Anyway, I put on my new Red Hunting hat and sat down and started reading my book 'Out of Africa'. I'd read it already you know, but I wanted to read certain parts over again. I'd only read about three pages when I heard someone coming through the shower curtains. I knew it was Ackley; he's always goddamn barging in on me.

He's one hell of a goddamn sonnuvabitch. He was always picking up your stuff and putting it back in the wrong place! Nosy as hell. He really was. Then he started asking about fencing. He didn't even like fencing, he just wanted me too look up from my book. What a phoney. He came over and stood right in my light, I'd been reading the same sentence for like 2 million years now so I decided to look up anyway. He was exactly the kind of guy that would do that. Anyway me and him had a conversation before Stradlater burst in and asked me to borrow my hound's tooth jacket. My jacket! I’d hardly even worn it and all. He convinced me he wouldn't stretch it so I decided to lend it too him. He went out to the can with no top on and his toilet kit under his arm. He always did that. Posing sonnuvabitch! He loved doing that because he thought he was a big, strong guy. I will admit it and all, he had one hell of a body!